Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
