New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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