I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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