i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
