im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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