If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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