You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
