Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
