Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
