Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
not ubering you a puppy
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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