Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
