FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
