So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
