I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
