Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She said her name was "party"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
