I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
