I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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