you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
