FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
