Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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