Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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