The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
