Can i not drive my cunt home
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
