I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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