we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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