I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
