she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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