Plan B is the new Plan A
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
