i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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