we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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