i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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