you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
