you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
