margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
