I wish I could punch you in the face.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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