shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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