God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
