you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
