I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
