As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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