In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
