i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
did you just send me my own nude
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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