i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
