I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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