Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He has the fingertips of a God
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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