i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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