I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i drank out of a bidet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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