god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
