Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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