I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
