my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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