Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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