I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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