Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
