Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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