wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
