last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
